Glastonbury Tor

  • Half of Glastonbury May Receive Extra Purple Recycling Bins

    Research by the Quantum Disentanglement Team at Glastonbury Town Council B‘s waste management service has revealed a new insight into cost savings that can be achieved by adding an extra purple bin to the townsfolk’s current brace of bins.

    Head of the Quantum Disentanglement team Dominic McQualude, explains:

    “Our team was established by Councillor Gerald Watkins before his unfortunate accident to help improve the way we categorise and sort waste in Glastonbury. Councillor Watkins was elected on the promise of enhancing waste managed in the town, and he quickly realised that our waste profile differs significantly from other towns due to our more mystical nature.”

    McQualude continues:

    “Building on our team’s early successes such as using séances to determine the most efficient routes for bin lorries, we discovered that the simple addition of a tenth purple bin would allow us to transition to a bi-weekly collection rota.”

    New bin colours:

    • Brown – Paper and Cardboard
    • Pink – Hard Plastics
    • Orange – Soft Plastics
    • Grey – Metals
    • White – Glass
    • Green – Organic Waste
    • Blue – Electronic Waste
    • Cameron of Erracht Tartan – Textiles
    • Campbell of Argyll Tartan – Bricks and Ceramics
    • Purple – Mystical waste

    Expected items for purple bins:

    • Expended mystical birthstones
    • Metal detectors (a surprisingly large number of these are discarded due to Glastonbury Tor’s solid iron core)
    • Full dream catchers
    • Old druidic cloaks
    • Expired Lembas
    • Demonically possessed items (not exceeding 150 cm in length)

    When asked about future innovations from the Quantum Disentanglement Team, McQualude responded:

    “The main challenge we’re working on is that the Cameron and Campbell tartans are virtually indistinguishable for our fast-moving bin lorries and the people in our sorting teams currently spend most of their time separating mystical clothing from mystical ceramics so we hope the purple bins will put paid to that. To be honest, most of our team’s time is spent counting things and it seems likely that when we’ve optimised mystical waste collection this will no longer be necessary so most of us will be reassigned to other mystical science challenges within the council.”

  • Percival Angstrom

    We regret to announce the passing of Percival Angstrom KBE – Head of Signage at Glastonbury Tor. A familiar face to anyone who visited the National Trust gift shop at the base of Glastonbury Tor between 1977 and 2013 when he retired to spend more time on his private passions – he was a fearless bee keeper and keen amateur astronomer.

    A staunch traditionalist, Percival was always friendly and cheerful to anyone wearing tweed.

    Classic examples of Percival Angstrom’s early and later work, to be found around Glastonbury

    In the early days Percival Angstrom rose quickly through the ranks of the Groundkeeping and Maintenance team at Glastonbury Tor. His early work placing Keep Off The Grass signs in innovative positions on the Tor earned him many awards from National Trust Head Office who quickly realised they had a formidable powerhouse on their hands. It was no surprise that his many promotions took him from the lowly position of Assistant Sign Placer to his final role as Head of Signage.

    There were of course the brief fallow years that afflict the careers of all people who have an unusual and singular vision. Although he learned a great deal about crowd control as Associate Thistle On Antique Chair Positioner, he was happier working in the bracing outdoors at Glastonbury Tor, preferring the arctic conditions prevailing on the permanent icecap atop Glastonbury Tor.

    One of the reasons he was such a familiar face was that Percival only took a single one-week holiday while working at Glastonbury Tor. In recognition of his work, in August 2003 he was awarded a prize for his contribution to the Glastonbury Board of Trade and Industry.

    If you inspect the many Twinned With signs as you enter Glastonbury you will notice they feature Percival Angstrom’s signature.

  • Glastonbury Tor Ultrabeast might be Queen Hamster

    For many years scientists have been mystified by the all-male population of Somerset Stranglers – the breed of hamsters native to Glastonbury Tor. The big question has always been how do they reproduce?

    Religious teaching has been that they engage in virgin birth, explaining why so many hamsters are depicted in the stained glass windows of churches in Glastonbury.

    Historically the scientific community has not challenged this idea out of respect for the hamster’s right to privacy. Local bye-laws make it illegal to film these adorable animals during what might or might not be their mating season.

    But the mystery of how Somerset Stranglers reproduce may have finally been answered thanks to recent coppicing of the wooded area on the dangerous north face of the Tor.

    Police have received a higher than normal number of reports of a giant creature. Nervous villagers have responded in the traditional way by screaming “Ultrabeast!” as they run home, lock their front door and hide behind the sofa. But a new generation of visitors to Glastonbury have been able to give police a description.

    Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary explains: “Over the last week we have received dozens of calls from ramblers warning of an unexplained creature that roams Glastonbury Tor. Estimates put it at somewhere around twelve feet tall, and bright white in colour. But the clue that makes us think it might be a Somerset Strangler is that so many independent witnesses have described it as having adorably weak forearms. There is only one creature I know of matching that description.”

    Wilkinson continues: “The guys in forensics think it may be a rare queen hamster that used to live in the tunnels beneath Glastonbury Tor, and was forced from its natural habitat when the prisoners at St Michael’s Prison dug their escape tunnel and delved too deep. It may now have gone to dwell in the woods on the north face of the Tor, and the coppicing has left it without a home.”

    Visitors to Glastonbury Tor should be reassured that there have been no reports of the Ultrabeast attacking humans so it is probably perfectly safe to visit the area. However, if you take a picnic onto the tor you should keep any bags of peanuts double wrapped as they cause aggressive behaviour in male Somerset Stranglers and this could be a hideous problem when scaled up to the proportions of a queen hamster.

  • Scientists at Mystical University of Glastonbury finally answer question of why we repeatedly drop soap in shower

    After spending over 5,000 hours researching under laboratory conditions the Mystical University of Glastonbury has announced the outcome of a three year study into the behaviour of soap in showers.

    Although their conclusions may change the way we all shower in future, some observers believe the research should have been handed over to one of Glastonbury’s less mystical seats of learning when it became apparent that the behaviour of soap can usually be explained by non-mystical scientific principles.

    Head of research Gary Rawlinson announced at a packed-out press conference this morning: “This research was sponsored by Procter & Gamble in response to complaints from customers that soap-drop incidents while showering were on the rise.  They came to us partly because of the amazing shower research facilities at the Mystical University of Glastonbury, and also because of our previously published research into the optimum direction to reach when searching for soap that you’ve dropped in the bath.”

    Rawlinson explained the methods used in their research; “Initially we asked people to keep a shower diary, noting the size, shape and moistness of their soap. We asked them to recall how many times they dropped their soap, and the time between drops.  And we asked people whether they were in a hurry to get showered quickly.  While this research gave us some valuable data relating to the correlation between soap moistness and dropping we suspected a degree of under-reporting. There is after all a lot of stigma attached to dropping soap, as people often mistakenly think it is a sign of clumsiness.  To overcome this in our second phase of research we started to observe students while they showered, and came to two conclusions, firstly that people really don’t like it when you stare at them while showering – that explains why I have this black eye – and secondly, that you rarely drop soap just once.  This is where we made our real breakthrough.”

    The Mystical University has announced a three-step process that should help you to almost completely eliminate soap dropping, and at the same time cut about 10% off the time it takes to shower:

    • Have two bars of soap in your shower, alternating between bars ever 30 seconds.  Keep the unused bar of soap on a dry flannel to remove excess moisture.
    • If you drop your soap, turn off the shower and stand on your bathroom floor without a towel for one minute.  This form of extreme training quickly teaches you to keep a moderately firm grip on your soap.
    • If your inferior soap brand regularly achieves a moistness coefficient greater than 30% while showering, consider switching to Procter & Gamble’s Safeguard Extreme range of soaps.  These have been clinically proven to almost completely eliminate drops through the use of an ingenious cord attachment.

  • Drugs scandal hits Glastonbury space project – pig-tailed macaque might not fly

    This year was always going to be a tough one for Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque. Pressure is mounting in the run-up to the maiden voyage of the Mystical University of Glastonbury’s Astral class rocket.

    Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque accosts shoppers at a pharmacy in Glastonbury

    Jeremy was selected in preference to a human project leader following cut-backs in university funding for the space program. But the need to maintain tip-top fitness levels while attending full time physics, telemetry and language classes may have been too much for this brave monkey.

    Chief Rocket Engineer and university spokesperson Gordon McStevens explained; “The problem is children’s pain killers – delicious sweet pink liquid. Because pig-tailed macaques are the size of human children our veterinary consultant suggested we should give it to Jeremy to help him with the aches and pains of exercising. But it turns out that while it’s entirely safe for children, it is heavily addictive for monkeys – it makes him go totally wild”.

    Jeremy has been banned from chemists in Glastonbury, and has taken to running around the university campus screaming “More crack! More crack!” – his name for this delicious painkiller. Visitors to Glastonbury have been asked to be on their guard if approached by Jeremy as he tries to get shoppers to buy painkillers for him.

    Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary had some sharp words at a recent press conference:

    “We have had reports that this well-spoken monkey has recently been harassing shoppers in Glastonbury, paying above the odds to fuel his terrible addiction. He is small – only a child to your eyes – and many people have been taken in by his increasingly fantastical hard-luck stories. He usually explains to innocent shoppers that he left his wallet on the bus and has a splitting headache”.

    Wilkinson continued; “But you need to remember that he doesn’t know when to stop. He doesn’t even use the little measuring cup, he drinks it straight from the bottle, and then the residents of Glastonbury have to pick up the pieces – we don’t want to endure another night of rampage”.