Tag: Hobgoblin Marmalade

The Uther Henge guide to perfect toast
Traditional single Insertion method
The traditional method of toasting. You simply adjust the toaster setting so that it pops up cooked to perfection. At least, that’s the idea. The reality is that several factors usually result in very uneven toasting.
Advantages:
- Speed
- Simplicity
- Basic toaster settings
- No special training required
Disadvantages:
- Uneven toasting (unless you use the Breville Toastmatic 4000)
Double insertion method (mid-stage horizontal rotation)
The first level of advanced toast-making. The toaster is set to half the standard setting, and when it pops out midway you rotate the bread horizontally before reinserting for the second stage.
Advantages:
- Consistent toasting on both sides
Disadvantages:
- Top of bread often toasted more than bottom
- Inexperienced users can burn their fingers at the midway stage
- Basic training required
The Uther Henge Flip (mid-stage vertical rotation)
The pinnacle of practical toast-making. This is a simple improvement over the horizontal double insertion method. The introduction of a vertical flip creates fantastic toast.
Advantages:
- Consistent toasting top to bottom on both sides
Disadvantages:
- Resetting toaster to half the single insertion value confuses other toaster users who have to be forcefully inducted into the ways of the Uther Henge Flip.
Horizontal rotation followed by vertical flip followed by second vertical flip
This over-elaborate method of toasting results in the most consistent browning but is so complex that most people get worse results than the traditional single insertion method.
Advantages:
- Incredibly even toasting
Disadvantages:
- Requires quadruple insertion
- Many novices fail to observe the rule that bread should be inserted either once, or an even number of times, but never an odd number, unless of course you introduce a final finishing off phase to remedy any inconsistencies
- Setting the toaster becomes very complex
- Toaster needs to be reset for subsequent slices to prevent over-cooking
- Constant monitoring necessary to avoid burning
- Many people forget how many toast rotations they have performed because they are distracted by other events in the kitchen
Factors to consider
Is your bread sliced by hand or machine?
Hand-slicing is less consistent than machine-slicing and the raised areas can become especially burnt. But you may be able to spread more Hobgoblin Marmalade on hand-sliced bread because it has a greater surface area. Experts call this the Goblin Ratio.
Is the bread thicker at one end than the other?
This can have a massive impact on the flow of hot air through your toaster, disrupting your calculations. You may be wise to set some time aside for wind-tunnel testing if your slices of bread are particularly wedge-shaped.
Who is Uther Henge?
Uther Henge is the chief mystics consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor. If you visit St. Michael’s Tower on top of Glastonbury Tor you can experience the Making Toast Through The Ages display at which Uther Henge gives a twice-daily lecture Toast, the Tor, Past Present and Future. Henge invented the Uther Henge Flip during one of his lectures when he realised that this unintuitive method of rotating bread resulted in a better and more consistent slice of toast.
Infographic
This information is available as an Making Toast Through The Ages
April 6, 2011
Some other pets now allowed to use dog trolleys to climb Glastonbury Tor
A public outcry has followed the recent announcement that Glastonbury Pilgrims Union has donated thirty dog trolleys to enable people to enjoy the tor with their dogs. These trolleys were necessary because the tor has grown by 30 metres in the last decade which meant that many dogs were no longer able to get to the top under their own steam.
This week three hundred owners of other pets signed a petition that was handed in to the Lord Mayor of Glastonbury the Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight, that claimed equal rights to trolleys for all pets.
In a partial step-down the Pilgrims Union have agreed that if trolleys are not being used by dogs then other pets may use them. However it is not good news for all pets. Very small animals may be expected to double up and share with others in order to avoid wasting space. So for example, if two people arrive with chinchillas, and there is a spaniel sized trolley, they would be expected to share. There are no plans to force animals from entirely different species to share trolleys, but many people think this will be hard to enforce. The rule of thumb is that if a pet is likely to eat or attack another animal that it shares a trolley with, then it should wear a muzzle.
Fortunately muzzles for a wide range of species are available in the National Trust gift shop if pet owners arrive without one.
Patricia Barnyard of the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust remains upbeat; “Obviously dogs take priority. They are the best sort of pet, and this new ruling on trolleys accepts that fact. It means that dogs are never expected to share a trolley. They are always welcome to enjoy their visit to the tor, although there have been occasions when a queue of beagles has developed. On the other hand, if you want to bring a hamster or a cat for a walk on the tor it is possible that they will be able to use the trolleys too, and visitors will find a good selection of cat muzzles in the shop, on the shelf below the Hobgoblin Marmalade.”
February 18, 2011
Perky pensioner Percival Angstrom returns to Tor for prestigious Vortex Award
Today OAP Percival Angstrom was welcomed back to Glastonbury Tor at a reception arranged by Chief Gatekeeper Titania Bonham-Smythe. This followed his dramatic airlift in January when he was discovered unconscious in St. Michael’s Tower.
Angstrom was presented with a basket of new age products from the National Trust gift shop at the tor, including a delightful selection of lentil tea and Hobgoblin Marmalade.
But the highlight of the event was when the plucky pensioner was given the Vortex Award – a special cut-glass trophy in the shape of St. Michael’s Tower inscribed with his name. It means he joins a very prestigious club that only has eight other members.
Bonham-Smythe explained; “We have now deployed each of the thousand hand-painted signs we received as part of the annual shipment from head office. When Mr. Angstrom visited the tor last month there were still some signs that were not in their correct place, and the particular No Entry sign he encountered on the wrong side of the main door to the tower almost caused him to come a cropper. The St. Michael’s vortex is something that members of the public shouldn’t be too concerned about though. It is very rare, and usually there is a member of staff on hand to step in and help using the special anti-vortex equipment.”
Before leaving the Tor, Mr. Angstrom was shown the display Making Toast Through The Ages that was installed in St. Michael’s Tower as part of the cleanup operation following his vortex. Unfortunately the event was cut short when a slice of toast became wedged in a Toastmatic 4000, setting off the smoke alarm.
February 17, 2011
Toast-making display irritates Glastonbury Observatory
Only days after their complaint about light pollution, Glastonbury Observatory is in the news again as they fight for a clear view of the sky above them.
Cosmologist Kirsten Denier from Glastonbury Observatory explained; “St. Michael\’s Tower has always been a hive of activity, and even before the prison closure in January everyone has managed to coexist in this beautiful mystical space. However, since the Breville toast-making display went live last week it’s been nothing but trouble for us. Smoke from burnt toast has poured into the observatory, and the smoke alarms have been going off and disrupting our astral observations at the most inconvenient times.”
Uther Henge, the top mystical consultant at the National Trust, who leaves his duties at the gift shop twice a day to lead visitors through a presentation Toast, the Tor, Past Present and Future, was keen to placate the observatory; “Nobody predicted how much toast the visitors to the tor would burn. You know the settings on some of the old toasters were frightfully hard to get right, especially if you\’re using the double-insertion method for even browning. We have installed a new extractor fan in the demonstration area, so we hope the smoke from burnt toast will vent away from the observatory in future.”
As a gesture of goodwill Henge delivered a tray of hot lentil tea and toast with lashings of Hobgoblin Marmalade to the cosmologists in the observatory.
February 7, 2011
Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers in dramatic Glastonbury Horticulture Society takeover
In a surprise move only hours after Glastonbury Horticulture Society announced their bid to buy Glastonbury Tor from the National Trust, Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers announced at a surprise press briefing today that they have agreed to buy a controlling share in Glastonbury Horticulture Society.
This is seen by industry insiders as a move to outflank Deutsch Gartenbau Abteilung, the German horticulture consortium that bought fifteen small mountains in Belgium in 2010, and has been greedily eyeing the nominees for mountain status announced by the GIPN this year.
Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers have big plans for Glastonbury Tor if their purchase is successful; “We have slightly modified the plan announced by Glastonbury Horticultural Society to plant displays of variegated shrubs and perennials over the tor as far as the eye can see. We still envisage a major replanting but now are going to focus on a mixed crop of garlic and vines. Research indicates that it pleases people who visit modern horticultural pleasure parks when they see vegetation that has real commercial value.”
National Trust Chief Gatekeeper at the tor Titania Bonham-Smythe had mixed feelings when we talked to her today; “I was awfully excited by the idea of the variegated shrubs, but I’m not sure people will enjoy visiting Glastonbury Tor if their view over the plains is obstructed by vines. I actually think the Deutsch Gartenbau Abteilung bid for the tor might be more in line with the profile of visitors we see. I spent a week working in the gift shop at one of their Belgian mountains recently and their Klabautermann Marmelade (Hobgoblin Marmalade) had a piquancy you wouldn’t believe!”
January 28, 2011