Glastonbury Tor | Pointy thing that is the heart of the Arthurian legend – Page 5 – St. Michael's Tower sits on top of Glastonbury Tor in Somerset, a mystical hill with seven deep terraces in the heart of Summerland Meadows on the Somerset Levels. The myths of the Neolithic labyrinth of tunnels below the tor, running all the way to the Abbey in Glastonbury, haunted by druids and fairies create a sense of magic.

Instructions to Keep Off The Keep Off The Signs are unfair say pilgrims
Recent visitors to Glastonbury Tor will have noticed that many of the signs instructing them to keep off the grass, keep off the garlic and keep off the path have been kicked over by angry protesters.
Although this is a fairly civilized campaign, with signs being gently kicked so that they stand at a jaunty angle, the gatekeepers at the tor are not taking this behaviour lying down.
In response, Chief Gatekeeper Titania Bonham-Smythe unveiled a new hand-painted instruction board today at the nimbleness assessment area that explains the purpose of the various Keep Off The signs, and the consequences of being caught disobeying the rules.
Bonham-Smythe explains; “As you know, our members of staff love nothing more than stopping ignorant members of public and telling them fascinating historical facts, but we have had to put this on hold since this protest started. My staff members are spending all day just straightening kicked-over signs.”
But speaking on behalf of the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union, Chief Stairmaster Paul Hompkins is rather more critical of the new instruction board; “while the message appears quite simple – visitors to the tor are told in no uncertain terms that the Keep Off The signs are there for their own good – it’s the small print that has everyone worried. For example, if you are caught kicking over a sign, even by accident, you can find yourself spending a whole afternoon locked in one of the old cells at St. Michael’s Prison. This has already caused quite a problem for some of our older union members who have a hard time making their daily barefoot ascent. We are used to a life of penitence, but we’re really not accustomed to slopping out, and the food is terrible.”
21 April 2011
“We’ll keep pilgrimming whatever the price of petrol” say Glastonbury Pilgrims Union
On the day that the Glastonbury Pilgrimage Association cancelled their annual event because of rising petrol prices, the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union are in rather more defiant mood, meaning that rivalry between the two groups has never been more intense.
Regular visitors to Glastonbury Tor will be accustomed to the sight of Glastonbury Pilgrims Union members making their daily barefoot pilgrimage to the top of the tor, nimbly dodging the Keep Off The Grass and Keep Off The Path signs.
Speaking on behalf of the union, Chief Stairmaster Paul Hompkins explained; “Our organisation was the first to introduce daily pilgrimages, while the Glastonbury Pilgrimage Association struggle to do it once a year. We were the first to equip each of our members with satellite tracking and a 10kg bar of Kendal Mint Cake on every trip. And I’m sure everyone remembers our campaign “Lead Free In Seventy Three” – we moved over entirely to lead-free petrol almost forty years ago!”
Hompkins continued; “But our big innovation came when we converted to barefoot pilgrimming in the early nineties – since then we haven’t looked back. It means our petrol consumption is a fraction of that used by organisations that still insist on motorised pilgrimages. Of course some of our members get a bit jealous when the Glastonbury Pilgrimage Association members overtake them on their motorbikes, but now with petrol going above £1.35 a litre we can expect our strategy to cement our position at the top of the pilgrim league.”
14 April 2011
Shih Tzu demoted to cat on Glastonbury Tor
The fabulous weather on Glastonbury Tor this weekend has resulted in long queues of pets waiting for the limited supply of dog trolleys.
The trolleys, donated by the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union, became necessary because the tor has grown by 30 metres since 2001, and many dogs are now unable to manage the steeper slopes.
Following a recent outcry, owners of other pets are also now allowed to use the trolleys, as long as no dog requires that particular size. Non-dog owners are expected to allow their pets to share with other animals, and this has already caused quite a stir, with fights breaking out among trolley occupants who have no previous history of violence.
Patricia Barnyard of the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust has frequently been on hand to mediate in disputes over who should be allowed to take the next trolley, and in a landmark decision has announced that owners of Shih Tzu dogs should be treated as though they have brought a cat for a walk.
Over a cup of lentil tea in one of Glastonbury’s many wholefood cafes, Patricia explained the basis for her decision; “I realise that this will cause a bit of difficulty for Shih Tzus, as they have short legs and don’t have the stamina required to scale Glastonbury Tor, but the reality is that with so many dogs in the queue, some difficult decisions have to be made. I decided that where more than one dog is competing for a trolley it should be awarded to the animal with most canine characteristics – to the butchest dog – and in that case a Shih Tzu is always going to lose. Think about it – a Fox Terrier or even a Dachshund is fundamentally more deserving of a place in a dog trolley. In fact, can you imagine any breed less deserving of the epithet ‘dog’ than a Shih Tzu?”
10 April 2011
The Uther Henge guide to perfect toast
Traditional single Insertion method
The traditional method of toasting. You simply adjust the toaster setting so that it pops up cooked to perfection. At least, that’s the idea. The reality is that several factors usually result in very uneven toasting.
Advantages:
- Speed
- Simplicity
- Basic toaster settings
- No special training required
Disadvantages:
- Uneven toasting (unless you use the Breville Toastmatic 4000)
Double insertion method (mid-stage horizontal rotation)
The first level of advanced toast-making. The toaster is set to half the standard setting, and when it pops out midway you rotate the bread horizontally before reinserting for the second stage.
Advantages:
- Consistent toasting on both sides
Disadvantages:
- Top of bread often toasted more than bottom
- Inexperienced users can burn their fingers at the midway stage
- Basic training required
The Uther Henge Flip (mid-stage vertical rotation)
The pinnacle of practical toast-making. This is a simple improvement over the horizontal double insertion method. The introduction of a vertical flip creates fantastic toast.
Advantages:
- Consistent toasting top to bottom on both sides
Disadvantages:
- Resetting toaster to half the single insertion value confuses other toaster users who have to be forcefully inducted into the ways of the Uther Henge Flip.
Horizontal rotation followed by vertical flip followed by second vertical flip
This over-elaborate method of toasting results in the most consistent browning but is so complex that most people get worse results than the traditional single insertion method.
Advantages:
- Incredibly even toasting
Disadvantages:
- Requires quadruple insertion
- Many novices fail to observe the rule that bread should be inserted either once, or an even number of times, but never an odd number, unless of course you introduce a final finishing off phase to remedy any inconsistencies
- Setting the toaster becomes very complex
- Toaster needs to be reset for subsequent slices to prevent over-cooking
- Constant monitoring necessary to avoid burning
- Many people forget how many toast rotations they have performed because they are distracted by other events in the kitchen
Factors to consider
Is your bread sliced by hand or machine?
Hand-slicing is less consistent than machine-slicing and the raised areas can become especially burnt. But you may be able to spread more Hobgoblin Marmalade on hand-sliced bread because it has a greater surface area. Experts call this the Goblin Ratio.
Is the bread thicker at one end than the other?
This can have a massive impact on the flow of hot air through your toaster, disrupting your calculations. You may be wise to set some time aside for wind-tunnel testing if your slices of bread are particularly wedge-shaped.
Who is Uther Henge?
Uther Henge is the chief mystics consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor. If you visit St. Michael’s Tower on top of Glastonbury Tor you can experience the Making Toast Through The Ages display at which Uther Henge gives a twice-daily lecture Toast, the Tor, Past Present and Future. Henge invented the Uther Henge Flip during one of his lectures when he realised that this unintuitive method of rotating bread resulted in a better and more consistent slice of toast.
Infographic
This information is available as an Making Toast Through The Ages
6 April 2011
Glastonbury supersun threatens to incinerate visitors
Sunwatchers on Glastonbury Tor in Somerset were rewarded with the rare supersun phenomena today, only weeks after the recent supermoon. Scientists are wondering if there is a connection.
Glastonbury supersuns occur when the earth passes unusually close to the sun on its elliptical axis. Because the tor is the highest geographical feature in South West England it is the best chance many people have of getting a really good look at the sun.
Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor offered visitors some sound words of advice; “The sun came very close today – it felt like you could reach out and touch it. But on this special day visitors need to be very wary. Some people actually started to sunbathe, but luckily we stopped them in time. It’s not just the intense rays from the sun that can cause your skin to wrinkle up and start fizzling, but the heat makes the hamster burrows uncomfortably hot, so you find a lot of the Somerset Stranglers come to the surface, and you know how territorial they are – they become very frisky.”
Henge continued; “Anyone venturing onto the tor on a supersun day should make sure they have plenty of aluminium foil and calamine lotion. If you forget to bring some, or run out, it is available in the gift shop. The next supersun will be in 5 years.”
5 April 2011