Glastonbury Tor

Tag: Kendal Mint Cake

  • Ferrero Rocher Deemed Mystical Foodstuff by Mystical University of Glastonbury (When Arrayed as Pyramid)

    Faced with the challenge of choosing the right food for this year’s Mystical Ball, the UK’s Mystical Ambassador, Sir Terry Prichardson, turned to the Food Science Department at the Mystical University of Glastonbury.

    Ferrero Rocher in non-mystical form

    Sir Terry explained: “When I was appointed UK Mystical Ambassador, I moved the embassy to Glastonbury because of its superior travel connections and its position at a key intersection of the ethereal realm. As a result, the UK’s mystical embassy is the only embassy located within the UK—after all, with Glastonbury’s proximity to the astral plane, there’s no need to set up shop anywhere else. Only after opening the embassy did I realise how valuable the university’s research facilities would be to us.”

    Sir Terry continued: “Obviously, there are the standard staples for a party at the Mystical Ambassador’s Lodge—Lembas and Kendal Mint Cake—but we felt it might be nice to add something a little more sugary. That’s when we happened upon the idea that Ferrero Rocher might do the trick. But the question was: are they mystical enough?”

    Chair of Food Science at the Mystical University of Glastonbury, Gordon Qualm, explained: “We were delighted when the Mystical Ambassador approached us for guidance on Ferrero Rocher’s suitability as a mystical party food. Our research quickly showed that while they are entirely non-mystical in their retail packaging, if you arrange them in a pyramid on a suitable surface—such as a plate—they take on a surprisingly mystical quality, entirely appropriate for a classy mystical gathering. Our only stipulation was that the Mystical Embassy’s Diabetic Support Team be on hand at all times.”

  • Super Jupiter may pose gravity risk

    Scientists at Glastonbury Observatory are warning that Jupiter, the largest planet in our solar system, will pass unusually close to the earth later this year – the closest it has been in the last 500 years.  And this is particularly important for Glastonbury Tor as it is the highest geographical feature in South West England.

    Effect of Super Jupiter on Glastonbury Tor

    This news comes hot on the tails of the recent supermoon and supersun in 2011, both of which posed their own set of risks to visitors at Glastonbury Tor, while delighting those visitors who are keen on extreme sports.

    Kirsten Denier from Glastonbury Observatory is keen to make visitors to the tor aware of the special risks posed by Super Jupiter; “All of the planets go around the sun in a different elliptical orbit and there are times when some get unusually close to each other.  Obviously this is all completely normal and has been going on for thousands of years without a hitch.  But according to our calculations, later this year when Jupiter flies very close to Somerset a number of things will happen that people need to consider.  Anyone with binoculars will have a great time because you will be able to make out details on the surface of Jupiter and its moons that would normally be invisible to all but the most powerful telescope.”

    But Denier continued; “However, we anticipate that because Jupiter is so big it will exert a gravitational pull that will make everything in Somerset about 5% lighter.  This might not sound like much, but for visitors to Glastonbury Tor who are that much closer the effect is even stronger.  If you are planning on pitching a tent on Glastonbury Tor you should consider using twice as many tent pegs, and if you bring a child you should hold its hand firmly while standing on the peak.”

    Visitors to Glastonbury Tor might consider weighing themselves down with Kendal Mint Cake, which is available in 10kg bars at the gift shop.

  • Are dogs allowed at Glastonbury Tor?

    The most common question that people ask when they are considering a visit to Glastonbury Tor is “are dogs allowed?”

    Surprisingly, it’s not just dog owners who ask this question, but also owners of other pets who are considering a visit and want to know if they will be welcomed.

    The answer is simple – under certain conditions, most breeds of dog are welcome to visit the tor, and subject to passing a simple evaluation test may also be able to join the queue to use one of the many dog trolleys that are provided for pets that may otherwise struggle to make it all the way to the top.

    There is a very simple weeding-out process that enables the quality of animal visitors to be kept high, and make sure everyone enjoys the view from the top of the tor without ruining it for anyone else. Your pet just has to pass the following simple tests in order to be awarded a yellow wrist-band that allows them entry to the tor for up to a week:

    1. Is this pet visiting the tor of its own free will? Most animals appear bouncy and happy at the prospect of scaling Glastonbury Tor, but any animal that looks sullen, grumpy, or pulls in the wrong direction on its lead may be referred to the resident animal psychologist for evaluation before being allowed onto the tor. The psychologist’s decision is final, although you do have the right to appeal to the Glastonbury Vets Ombudsman.
    2. Is this a Shih-Tzu that has been disguised as a more butch breed of dog? Any attempt to pass a Shih-Tzu off as anything other than a cat could cause it to be banned from the tor for up to six weeks.
    3. Is this a Somerset Strangler that is being repatriated by someone who did not realise what bad pets they make? There are official channels for repatriation. Sneaking one of these potentially deadly hamsters through the Nothing To Declare channel could result in the severest of penalties.

    Notes for human visitors

    Human visitors should also note – now that Glastonbury Tor has achieved mountain status you should bring plenty of provisions so that if the weather changes unexpectedly at this high altitude you won’t get caught out. There are, after all, few more embarrassing things than having the air sea rescue services called out, when the simple measure of bringing a few vital supplies could have seen you safely returning to basecamp under your own steam.

    There is a simple mnemonic – KITES. Visitors to the tor learn about this in the information area at the gift shop:

    K – Kendal Mint Cake – a standard kilogram bar should suffice on a day trip. Remember to bring some for every member of your party, including pets.

    I – Igloo construction skills – if the weather should change at high altitude it is always worth knowing how to fashion a rudimentary igloo from the permanent icecap on Glastonbury Tor

    T – a Tent or bivouac – in case the weather turns nasty. Remember there are no toilet facilities for a thirty mile radius around Glastonbury Tor so you should consider bringing a porta-loo.

    E – Elvish principles – think back to the last Lord Of The Rings film you saw – which race was always best equipped to fend for themselves when out in the wilderness? The Elves – that\’s who. All you need to do is think about how one of the elves would fend for themself in a tricky situation. Obviously we are referring to one of the principle characters, not one of the red-shirted CGI cannon-fodder who have their head sliced off by an Uruk-Hai in the siege of Gondor.

    S – Swiss Army Knife – these are always useful, although it will need to be surrendered if you want to visit the toast-making display at St. Michael’s Tower.

  • “We’ll keep pilgrimming whatever the price of petrol” say Glastonbury Pilgrims Union

    On the day that the Glastonbury Pilgrimage Association cancelled their annual event because of rising petrol prices, the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union are in rather more defiant mood, meaning that rivalry between the two groups has never been more intense.

    The Glastonbury Pilgrims Union started running their Pilgrimwagens on lead-free petrol in 1973

    Regular visitors to Glastonbury Tor will be accustomed to the sight of Glastonbury Pilgrims Union members making their daily barefoot pilgrimage to the top of the tor, nimbly dodging the Keep Off The Grass and Keep Off The Path signs.

    Speaking on behalf of the union, Chief Stairmaster Paul Hompkins explained; “Our organisation was the first to introduce daily pilgrimages, while the Glastonbury Pilgrimage Association struggle to do it once a year. We were the first to equip each of our members with satellite tracking and a 10kg bar of Kendal Mint Cake on every trip. And I’m sure everyone remembers our campaign “Lead Free In Seventy Three” – we moved over entirely to lead-free petrol almost forty years ago!”

    Hompkins continued; “But our big innovation came when we converted to barefoot pilgrimming in the early nineties – since then we haven’t looked back. It means our petrol consumption is a fraction of that used by organisations that still insist on motorised pilgrimages. Of course some of our members get a bit jealous when the Glastonbury Pilgrimage Association members overtake them on their motorbikes, but now with petrol going above £1.35 a litre we can expect our strategy to cement our position at the top of the pilgrim league.”

  • Glastonbury Pilgrims Union forced to lift Air Sea Rescue boycott

    Famous for their weekly barefoot pilgrimage to the top of Glastonbury Tor, the Pilgrims Union are not so well known for compromising on matters of principle. But this afternoon for the first time since late January when they began their boycott, penitent pilgrim Anders McCadmium allowed himself to be airlifted to safety by the Air Sea Rescue Service, during treacherous weather on the tor.

    Glastonbury Pilgrims Union Headquarters

    Chief Stairmaster Paul Hompkins later briefed the press on the events that led to this embarrassing event; “I was elected head of the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union in 1976 on the pledge that we would build on the ethos of our brotherhood – our mystical devotion to the earth mother, our humble life of sanctity and contrition. But we also hold personal safety very dear, and when pilgrims make their daily journey to the top of the tor, I insist that in their knapsack full of union paraphernalia they include the basics of life preservation – a tinfoil cape, distress flare and 10kg bar of Kendal Mint Cake.”

    Hompkins continued; “Today Anders McCadmium found himself about fifty yards from the top of the tor, caught in the most awful rain storm. It was so bad that he was forced to take shelter in a small dip that provided little in the way of relief. It really was a matter of life and death. He was forced to set off his distress flare which immediately summoned the Air Sea Rescue Service. Fortunately Pilot Officer Graham Gillespie and his crew were able to rescue Mr. McCadmium, and take him to our place of safety, the Pixie Gardens Tea Room in the heart of Glastonbury town. Here he was treated with a traditional infusion of lentil tea, and he seems to be much better.”

    Anders McCadmium is expected to make a full recovery once the Kendal Mint Cake has passed through his system.