Glastonbury Tor

Tag: Mystical University of Glastonbury

  • Ferrero Rocher Deemed Mystical Foodstuff by Mystical University of Glastonbury (When Arrayed as Pyramid)

    Faced with the challenge of choosing the right food for this year’s Mystical Ball, the UK’s Mystical Ambassador, Sir Terry Prichardson, turned to the Food Science Department at the Mystical University of Glastonbury.

    Ferrero Rocher in non-mystical form

    Sir Terry explained: “When I was appointed UK Mystical Ambassador, I moved the embassy to Glastonbury because of its superior travel connections and its position at a key intersection of the ethereal realm. As a result, the UK’s mystical embassy is the only embassy located within the UK—after all, with Glastonbury’s proximity to the astral plane, there’s no need to set up shop anywhere else. Only after opening the embassy did I realise how valuable the university’s research facilities would be to us.”

    Sir Terry continued: “Obviously, there are the standard staples for a party at the Mystical Ambassador’s Lodge—Lembas and Kendal Mint Cake—but we felt it might be nice to add something a little more sugary. That’s when we happened upon the idea that Ferrero Rocher might do the trick. But the question was: are they mystical enough?”

    Chair of Food Science at the Mystical University of Glastonbury, Gordon Qualm, explained: “We were delighted when the Mystical Ambassador approached us for guidance on Ferrero Rocher’s suitability as a mystical party food. Our research quickly showed that while they are entirely non-mystical in their retail packaging, if you arrange them in a pyramid on a suitable surface—such as a plate—they take on a surprisingly mystical quality, entirely appropriate for a classy mystical gathering. Our only stipulation was that the Mystical Embassy’s Diabetic Support Team be on hand at all times.”

  • Scientists at Mystical University of Glastonbury finally answer question of why we repeatedly drop soap in shower

    After spending over 5,000 hours researching under laboratory conditions the Mystical University of Glastonbury has announced the outcome of a three year study into the behaviour of soap in showers.

    Although their conclusions may change the way we all shower in future, some observers believe the research should have been handed over to one of Glastonbury’s less mystical seats of learning when it became apparent that the behaviour of soap can usually be explained by non-mystical scientific principles.

    Head of research Gary Rawlinson announced at a packed-out press conference this morning: “This research was sponsored by Procter & Gamble in response to complaints from customers that soap-drop incidents while showering were on the rise.  They came to us partly because of the amazing shower research facilities at the Mystical University of Glastonbury, and also because of our previously published research into the optimum direction to reach when searching for soap that you’ve dropped in the bath.”

    Rawlinson explained the methods used in their research; “Initially we asked people to keep a shower diary, noting the size, shape and moistness of their soap. We asked them to recall how many times they dropped their soap, and the time between drops.  And we asked people whether they were in a hurry to get showered quickly.  While this research gave us some valuable data relating to the correlation between soap moistness and dropping we suspected a degree of under-reporting. There is after all a lot of stigma attached to dropping soap, as people often mistakenly think it is a sign of clumsiness.  To overcome this in our second phase of research we started to observe students while they showered, and came to two conclusions, firstly that people really don’t like it when you stare at them while showering – that explains why I have this black eye – and secondly, that you rarely drop soap just once.  This is where we made our real breakthrough.”

    The Mystical University has announced a three-step process that should help you to almost completely eliminate soap dropping, and at the same time cut about 10% off the time it takes to shower:

    • Have two bars of soap in your shower, alternating between bars ever 30 seconds.  Keep the unused bar of soap on a dry flannel to remove excess moisture.
    • If you drop your soap, turn off the shower and stand on your bathroom floor without a towel for one minute.  This form of extreme training quickly teaches you to keep a moderately firm grip on your soap.
    • If your inferior soap brand regularly achieves a moistness coefficient greater than 30% while showering, consider switching to Procter & Gamble’s Safeguard Extreme range of soaps.  These have been clinically proven to almost completely eliminate drops through the use of an ingenious cord attachment.

  • Drugs scandal hits Glastonbury space project – pig-tailed macaque might not fly

    This year was always going to be a tough one for Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque. Pressure is mounting in the run-up to the maiden voyage of the Mystical University of Glastonbury’s Astral class rocket.

    Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque accosts shoppers at a pharmacy in Glastonbury

    Jeremy was selected in preference to a human project leader following cut-backs in university funding for the space program. But the need to maintain tip-top fitness levels while attending full time physics, telemetry and language classes may have been too much for this brave monkey.

    Chief Rocket Engineer and university spokesperson Gordon McStevens explained; “The problem is children’s pain killers – delicious sweet pink liquid. Because pig-tailed macaques are the size of human children our veterinary consultant suggested we should give it to Jeremy to help him with the aches and pains of exercising. But it turns out that while it’s entirely safe for children, it is heavily addictive for monkeys – it makes him go totally wild”.

    Jeremy has been banned from chemists in Glastonbury, and has taken to running around the university campus screaming “More crack! More crack!” – his name for this delicious painkiller. Visitors to Glastonbury have been asked to be on their guard if approached by Jeremy as he tries to get shoppers to buy painkillers for him.

    Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary had some sharp words at a recent press conference:

    “We have had reports that this well-spoken monkey has recently been harassing shoppers in Glastonbury, paying above the odds to fuel his terrible addiction. He is small – only a child to your eyes – and many people have been taken in by his increasingly fantastical hard-luck stories. He usually explains to innocent shoppers that he left his wallet on the bus and has a splitting headache”.

    Wilkinson continued; “But you need to remember that he doesn’t know when to stop. He doesn’t even use the little measuring cup, he drinks it straight from the bottle, and then the residents of Glastonbury have to pick up the pieces – we don’t want to endure another night of rampage”.

  • Glastonbury Tor ready to receive visitors again after returning from Olympics opening ceremony

    Yesterday was a busy day for Titania Bonham-Smythe and her colleagues at the National Trust gift shop at the base of Glastonbury Tor, following a week that saw the sale of the smallest number of cat muzzles since records began.

    Brisk sales of cat muzzles resume as Glastonbury Tor returns from London Olympics opening ceremony

    “It was obviously a great honour for the tor to feature so prominently in the Olympics opening ceremony in London” explained Titania “but that has caused very low visitor numbers. Now the tor has been re-seated we’ve been overwhelmed with little jobs preparing for the deluge of visitors today”.

    The journey back from London along the M4 motorway was not without difficulty for Glastonbury Tor. The rocket transporters used to transport the mountain that were on loan from the aeronautics department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury were never designed to cover such huge distances – normally the furthest they would take their rocket payload would be from the university buildings in the heart of Glastonbury to the launch area on the Summerland Meadows just a few miles away. Something as simple as a puncture in one of the mammoth tyres on the transporter could cause hours of delay, with resulting tailbacks infuriating motorists.

    But Bonham-Smythe is confident that visitors will enjoy a fabulous mystical day out at Glastonbury Tor today, unaware of the fervent behind-the-scenes activity; “Patricia Barnyard from the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust has been in to oil the wheels of the dog trolleys, and the gentlemen from the GIPN (the Geneva Institute of Protuberance Nomenclature) have signed off the tor at 190 metres tall, meaning that it continues to qualify for mountain status.”

    And probably the best news of all for nature lovers is that now it’s back from London, many Somerset Stranglers have been sighted emerging from their nests on Glastonbury Tor. Although July is traditionally the nesting period for hamsters worries had been building that the trip to London would cause a mass exodus. Fortunately a special grant of 500kg of cotton wool from the Olympic organising committee ensured that the hamsters were safely protected in their nests.

  • Toast-making display is too realistic say Glastonbury mothers

    You may wonder what could possibly be more family friendly than a display that charts the history of toast through the ages?

    Since February 2011 Uther Henge has been thrilling visitors to St. Michael’s Tower on top of Glastonbury Tor with his lecture Toast, the Tor, Past Present and Future that leads visitors through the historical artefacts on display – a variety of gas and electrical toasters that have been used since 1912, and includes advice on modern toast-making techniques.

    Basic safety equipment for use in the construction of Welsh Rarebit. Avoid Mozzarella cheese.

    But it appears that mothers are reporting that their children are distressed by the section dealing with mystical foodstuffs.

    Jenny from Glastonbury said; “The display is very informative. At last I understand why toast is depicted in the Glastonbury coat of arms. And since I learned the Uther Henge Flip I’ve enjoyed evenly browned toast every day. But while I was enjoying the lecture I hadn’t realised my son was looking at the interactive display that explains the mystical qualities of Welsh Rarebit. He hasn’t slept since, and panics every time I go near the grill.”

    Uther Henge has promised to remove the Welsh Rarebit display until it can be made more family friendly, explaining; “Really this display was aimed more at people who want to be students in the mystical food science department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury, so it focuses heavily on kitchen safety. The interactive display shows what can happen if you mistakenly include Mozzarella in your cheese mix – it can give your Welsh Rarebit qualities similar to napalm. We now realise that the scenes showing kitchen staff dousing one of their colleagues with fire extinguishers may not be suitable for all audiences.”